Evites are Out!

Alright folks, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Even as you read this e-vites are being sent out for tonight’s Back To School Bash. Now, I know this is the highlight of the first quarter term. But, you mustn’t be too disappointed if you don’t receive an e-vite. It doesn’t mean I don’t like you. It probably just means I don’t know you exist. Oh my gosh, I’m totally joking. (Sorta). But, seriously, don’t wallow in front of your outdated pc bingeing on Doritos and old seasons of Breaking Bad. Cause there are only five more bashes left in the school year and becoming a fatty could seriously hurt your chances of getting invited.

Anyhoo, that was too much time spent talking about someone other than myself. So, hi, I’m pretty!

Today’s State of the Union:

-This halter dress looks amazing on me.

-Anyone wearing it tomorrow will either be invited to join me for lunch or shunned for the rest of the semester. I haven’t decided yet.

-Shannah, if I see you wear those Lucky jeans one more time this month, I will set them on fire. While you’re still in them.

-Ken and Ade are a thing! Aww. I wonder does Ade know that Ken used to be Kendra? Loves knows no birth-gender, am I right?

-People who impressed me with their style choices this morning:

         Me

         The lacrosse team

The Jennifers (So glad you two worked things out. Lunch was simply un-Snapable without you too!)

That girl in the pink.

-People who impressed me with how little them seem to know about style:

         All but three girls in my Chem class.

         Chloe

         The entire marching band, well except for the one guy.

         The girl in yellow.

         Skylar Nessano

Oh my gosh, again with the long posts about everything but me. Guys, I don’t know if you know this, but no one tells me how pretty am. At least, not enough. I think it’s got me feeling kinda down… I know! I’ll go out with the guy who compliments me the most tomorrow ;)

Que sera, sera

Let The Hunger Games Commence!

Ugh, I’m so annoyed. The cute guy that lived across the street from me moved to San Francisco; what a Judas. Thanks for depriving me of my favorite brand of man candy: the kind I get when I look out of my window. (Don't get any ideas all you peeping Toms and Jeffrey Arnolds.) Still, this just reminds me that there is only 24 days left until Homecoming and I still haven’t chosen a date. Oh, right, Justin, I’m breaking up with you.

So, what lucky guy is going to get to wear me as their arm piece for this year’s Homecoming dance? (And inevitably be crowned Homecoming Prince?) My minions are now taking applications. I hate to go all Hunger Games, but who are we kidding? Love is war. May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favor.

Today’s State of the Union:

-Issac Pinkler moved away. Despite the fact that I would never date him (Hello, his last name is Pinkler?!) I loved waking up to his six-pack every morning.

-Despite the fact that I just broke up with him, Justin K is NOT on the market. The three month rule still applies.

-Coach Decklen has been let go on suspicions of untoward interactions with male students (Sorry, Ed).

-Decklen has been replaced by Former Prep Football star, and still gorgeous male specimen, Andrew Hankson.

-Someone accidentally spilled a latte of Yoshi Onita’s maroon, faux-cashmere sweater. (You’re welcome).

-People who need to let go of last season’s purses

         Sharon K.

         Olivia M.

         Faye

         Lina 

      Peter (even Queen’s have off-days Peter. Burn the Michael Kors and move on.)

         Skylar Nessano (I know you don’t carry a purse, but if you did it would be last season.)

C’est la vie!

Heading to the Vlogisphere

Word on the hall is that Skyscraper Skylar has started a video blog. I don’t know if you are familiar with the sight of a moose being eaten alive, but you should really check out Sky’s videos. Actually, on second thought, don’t bother. Let me just tel you that it is puketastic!
But, in all seriousness, my dear friend Skylar has inspired me to create my own video blog. It goes live in a week. Sky, I hope you’re the first one to see it. I’m sure you’ll think it’s a hoot ;)

Today’s State of the Union

-Skylar Nessano is no Steven Spielberg.

-Steven Spielberg’s nephew actually goes to our school. (Hey Carl! Glad to see those braces finally came off ;) !)

-Stephanie C. is back from the hospital after a terrible case of “pneumonia.” Love the new nose, Steph!

-Angelina, formerly known as Minion number 1, has decided to run for Homecoming Queen. She asked me to put in a good word for her, as one of her best friends. Please vote for Angelina. Her boobs may be fake and she may have slept with half the football team and all of your boyfriends, but the rumors are not true. She was not born a man. I don’t think.

Anyhoo, 30 days ‘til Homecoming. Yay

Hannah Pfifer has Rabies

Someone pointed out to me that I didn’t do the State of the Union in my last post. (Needless to say we aren’t friends anymore.)

But of course I love keeping you up-to-date on the SOTU so here you are:

-Hannah P. has rabies. (Jk, I just hate her.)

-Green polo guy on the science hall that smiled at me with those perfect pearly whites, I’m thinking you’ve got a chance at a B2SB e-vite ;)

-Kim and Daniel are finally splitsville. Kim was seen covered in her drugstore mascara. Word on the hall is Daniel has already moved on.

-BBall point-guard Lee finally wooed Saffron away from soccer champ Frank G. Frank doesn’t seem too bothered.

-Meanwhile Frank was seen leaving the local STD clinic. 

-Only 47 days left to find a Homecoming date!

Just Fyi, all of my Libra’s moons just shifted into retrograde and I am now morally opposed to Virgos. So if you’re a virgo, don’t expect an e-vite.

Sorry, not sorry.

Let Them Eat Cake!

My loyal subjects, I am in an exceptionally giving mood today. It’s one of those days were my curls were defined, my brows were on fleek, and I slayed in my mini. Just because I’m fabulous, I’ve decided to be extra giving.

I’m sure by now you must have heard of the Back to School Bash I’ve planned at Casa de la Moi this month. At first, I was just going to invite all the popular people and leave the rest of you losers high and dry like usual. But, as I re-applied to cherry blossom EOS after lunch today, I stared into the mirror and thought, God you’re beautiful. And this much beauty is meant to be shared with the less fortunate. Soooooo… (Visualize a drumroll with me.)

I’ve decided to invite FIVE lucky pleabs to join me at my Palatial home for this weekend’s B2S Bash.

How can you score an e-vite you ask? In my incredible generosity, I had my minions create a list of do’s and don’ts for you.

-Don’t be gross.

-Do love me.

-Do worship me.

-Don’t be yourself!

-Don’t be Skylar Nessano.

-Don’t wear orange.

-Do wait on me hand and foot.

-Do stuff for me.

-Don’t be Skylar Nessano.

Basically try your best to not be a total pleab.

You know you love me ;)

Back to School Bash 2015

Hey Guys, Its Jenna, the magnificence you love to hate. It’s no secret to me that every guy wants to date me (and some of the girls) and every girl wants to be me (some of the guys too—Hai Queens!). But enough about me, let’s talk about the girl who decided to take her desire to be me to the next level. EVERYONE knows that the second-row center seat in every class is MY seat. Just because you moved here this weekend and today was your first day of class is absolutely NO EXCUSE. But, whatever. I hope you enjoyed my gluten-free, dairy-free protein shake. It actually improved that teeny-bopper ensemble you called an outfit. BTW, you owe me a shake, you freak.

Anyhoo, back to life.

I want to give a huge shout out to Becky Carlisky on totally slaying the hall runway in her new Jimmy Choos. Sit with me at lunch tomorrow?

Also, I have no idea where Santana spent her summer vacay but she’s totally gone from whale-sized zero to Teen Vogue hero. Try out for cheerleading, S. A spot just opened up.

Lastly, a spot has opened up for my Physics bestie, since I no longer have one. (Best friends save each other’s seats in class so that clueless, style-challenged newbies don’t steal them, Karen. Btw, all of your lunch table privileges are gone. You are dead to me).

Today’s State of the Union

-Thomas J., Janie has herpes; I wouldn’t go there.

-All newbies are officially on my LIST.

-Grace, I recommend you grovel at Becky’s well dressed feet for some fashion advice because those sandals weren’t even popular when Jesus wore them.

-Nameless new girl, I hate you.

-Skyscraper Skylar had the nerve to wear a tribal print dress. What a monster, she needs to return that tent to the people that lived in it.

*Back to School Bash at the Haver Palace next month. If you want an E-vite, impress me. *